Half-Assed Homemaker

It seems the average Brit is more familiar with phenomena involving voyeurism (and exhibitionism) and documented battery than reading about some losers's garden or listening to audio recordings about some loser's garden.

article

Me: Last night I had some toast with peanut butter and figs that were so ripe and sweet it was better than jelly.
Brother: You have such a simple life I envy that, I wish I could be so happy about a piece of fruit.
Me: Well you should at least come out here and taste the fruit.

Working the Master Composter Table at the Living Well Expo
Me: Do you compost at home?
Them: No. Do you gamble?
Me: No

Spread some peanut butter on toast and over that tear up some incredibly ripe figs.

Me: I was sitting at a huge table eating and drinking alone. I got up for some more ketchup when I came back and the table had been cleared.
He: Sorry about that. What did you have?
Me: A bitter pint and (pause) the lob-
He: We don't serve lobster, here's some fries.

How did he know I was eating fries?

I love the fact that I live in a stand alone house but the neighborhood is dense enough that I can hear the sound effects of someone else's Tivo.

Me: Those tomatoes have been sitting on your desk for a few days, are you going to eat them?
She: Every time I think of it, I'm too lazy get up and wash them.
Me: I don't always wash them, I haven't sprayed them with anything toxic.
She: It's just dirt and dirt's good for you, it has vitamins. Just kidding.

Me: (reluctant) B12, indirectly.

Me: I won't need a bag (for those twelve frames.)
Catherine: OK
Me: (Signing the receipt) You see, if I have to carry the frames in my hands it will prevent me from buying beer at Rite Aid on the way to the car... because I have a problem.
Catherine: Heh

Of course I drove 10 yards before parking again and buying beer. 12 bottles of Bass for $9, that is sweet!

Earlier that week.
Me: I don't need a bag, I brought one.
She: YOU NEED A BAG. Otherwise they'll think you didn't pay for this.
Me: Can I have an extra bag?

I then stole some jewelry, I feel bad but I was proving a point.

She has no hands. She is sitting in an unladylike manner, probably in the same spot she landed after falling hours ago. Her hair is perfectly pixie flipped. Her face is vacant and consists of three tiny shapes. She's not just drunk, she has a substance abuse problem. I guess it happens to the most magical of all of us. I did not draw her, I found her, she found me.

Today I received in the mail, my passage to the carpool lane, solo. As such, I would like to take this opportunity to say fuck everybody.

Yeah, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing but with arts commission meetings and related goings on, I've been driving during rush hour more. Traffic is worse now that school is back in session and I hate all living things that drive.